COME HELL OR HABEAS CORPUS

Commandment 5: Thou Shalt Find All Of The Hidden Bathrooms In Order To Poop In Peace

 

I have no problem with discussing poop. If you have any issue with doing so, get the fuck out of here and don’t read this post, please. Also, do yourself a favor and grow up. This is a very human thing to do. Anyways, I preface this post with the notion that finding the most secluded location to go in order to go to the bathroom is pretty important. I certainly don’t want an audience and neither do you! Well, if you do, that’s fine too, but you have other issues that need to be addressed between you and your physician. But, the general public probably would prefer to go to the bathroom in peace.

 

This is one of the most important things to learn during your first semester of law school. I cannot even begin to express how this will come in handy one day when you are planning to spend the entire day in the library. Do you like Chinese food/pizza/any meat or dairy product/lettuce? Do you like those things? Well, then shortly after you eat them, you’re going to have to poop. Bottom Line. You simply must think outside of the box. Look for the weird bathrooms. You know the faculty bathroom upstairs where nobody goes? Well, BOOM. That is where you’re going to have to check when that rumble begins in your stomach. Because going to the bathroom is a personal thing, certain places that you will find only have one toilet and a bathroom with a lock; well, now you’ve just found fucking gold. Treasure this and hold onto it. Unfortunately, in law school, there are mostly public bathrooms so you have to find the perfect bathroom and tell nobody else the gem that you have just stumbled on. Trust me, finding the hidden bathrooms will save you lots of trouble. Make sure these toilets flush properly before extended use.

 

Student 1: I’m going to the bathroom

Student 2: Oh I have to go also; I’ll come with you.

Student 1: No fucking way, bro.

This conversation is likely to happen a lot if you have found the perfect bathroom. Keep that shit under lock and key; other people need to find these for themselves, and if they can’t, that is why your special bathroom is still special.

 

Bottom line, a lot of people don’t like talking about this subject because their own bodies gross them out. Well, fuck you and get over it.  This shit happens, no pun intended. The important thing to know is that you have to find a bathroom in your law school that is quiet, hidden, and contains a functioning toilet. It is preferable that people will not be cognizant of when you enter and exit this phantom bathroom. If all else fails, go to Starbucks; they have bathrooms for one. And you can blame anything on whoever went to the bathroom before you did to the next person waiting to enter. Trust me.

 

If this post made you uncomfortable, then I’m deeply apologetic that you are uneasy going to the bathroom. Take a laxative or some miralax. Any standard stool softener will do, but please, get the fuck over yourself and take a shit that you can be proud of.

 

Liberace OUT.

Now that a semester of law school is over, it’s high time that we reflect on what a shit show that was.

1. Finals/being in the library for 12+ hours at a time

There is a distinct possibility that being in a library for that amount of time made us soulless and devoid of all common sense and human emotion.  We actually became robots.  When we later started doing robot motions at the bar, it was not a joke.

2. Finishing the memo

That was fucking horrible and it ruined us. We were unaware that a paper could be composed of only citations; now we know the capability of law school to remove every branch of creativity from our minds. Thanks, douchebags! But really, though, that was a terrible assignment.

3. Getting blackout drunk for no reason at all, or rather every good thing and every bad thing is another reason to drink… heavily.

This was not learned in law school; this can be innate in you. However, law school seems to intensify the burning desire for a stiff drink, or 15 of them, possibly beginning at 9 AM…or 8. As first semester, first year law school students, we still don’t know how to control ourselves and our desire for spirits at all hours of the day. Thank you, law school, for potentially creating the onslaught of what I can only assume will be early diagnosed raging alcoholism!

4. Old habits die hard from undergrad

Everybody in law school is a whore. We have not grown up, we are not mature, we are not all wearing glasses and suits. We have regressed and are more juvenile and horny than our middle school counterparts. (Minus the acne and awkwardness…well? Awkwardness remains.. forever). Back to the subject at hand, everybody here is fucking everybody else. Sooner or later, your whole section will be fucking each other, or trying to, or murdering each other. (Maybe for fucking somebody else that they wanted to fuck?) Yes. Bottom line, everybody is horny.

5. Civ pro really never goes away

We will never forget the federal rules of civil procedure. Ever. The best part about these rules is that they don’t even know how fantastic and hilarious they truly are. To know them is to love them. Now, not only is this very horrible and boring class incredibly important, but it also is useful in everyday situations. We ourselves have integrated the federal rules of civil procedure into everyday dialogue, not just legal jargon! An example, you ask? WELL, don’t mind if we do!

Ex: Location: Pubby McPubsalot

Friend 1: Yo, is that girl/guy bothering you? I’m gonna pull a Rule 24 on their ass!

It’s that simple. Enjoy.

6. Ten Commandments

Here are the Ten Commandments of Law School that you all need to know

1. Thou Shalt Not Fuck Any Member of Your Section Unless Necessary (RULE 19, JOINDER OF NECESSARY PARTIES)

2. Thou Shalt Start Outlining On The First Day of Class (Rule Whatever, Don’t Be an Idiot)

3. Thou Shalt Not Be An Annoying Douchebag (Gunner) That All Others Despise (The original commandment of thou shalt not kill will be acceptable for others in this case.)

4. Thou Shalt Not Derail Meaningful Lectures With Your Pointless Questions

5. Thou Shalt Not Come To Class With an Odor. (Seriously, it is distracting to others.)

6. Thou Shalt Find All Of The Hidden Bathrooms In Order To Poop In Peace

7. Thou Shalt Make New Older Friends in Order to Attain Outlines* (This is very important; being attractive helps speed this process along)

8. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbors Grades (They are not you, you are you. You’ll be fine!)

9. Thou Shalt Not Go On Facebook During Lecture. (It is distracting to every single person in the room, trust me. Nobody cares at all)

10. Sleep Whenever You Can. Or Drink A Ton Of Coffee/Energy Drinks.

7. Nicknames are essential to law school success so that you may talk shit about people in front of their faces.

This is probably the greatest joy we have. We, together have created every nickname imaginable for both those we like and dislike. We will share some of our most prized nicknames with you here, because you will soon be more acquainted with these people.

1. Lou Bega/Shia Labeouf/Gerardo/Stonewall Jackson, 2. EDubbs/The Witch, 3. Mr. Belding/Jason, 4. Daniel Craig/Ben Kingsley, 5. SP/The Situation

These are just a few gems. They are subject to change depending on our mood. We will inform you of any updates as we proceed.

8. Cold calling and how evil it really is

This is the single most horrible procedure of law school. Whomever invented the Socratic method should die. Oh wait, that was Socrates. And he is dead; very dead, in fact. But if we could bring that philosophical fantastic douchebag prick back to life, we would draw and quarter him. Maybe set his intestines on fire in front of his face. These are just our thoughts on the Socratic method, no big deal. Other than the Socratic method, we hold no grudge against Socrates himself; other than the pederasty/pedophilia, this guy was O-K. And rather intelligent. Athens was a pretty sweet place to live then. Regardless of that, the Socratic method is horrible. And it pains our souls.

9. GUNNERS. (QUIZ COMING SOON.)

Gunners are very annoying. We do not like to be interrupted whilst in class trying to learn every law in the entire world and cram it into our brains only to have a fucking Gunner decide to infiltrate our lives and destroy class time. I think we pay around $300 a class; can we please only pay for a knowledgeable professor to tell us the rules without you raising your stupid hand? To say something irrelevant? Or off topic? No. Stop. Please. You Gunners are the reason to dislike humanity.

For the record:

WE ARE TWO PEOPLE. You know, just a few law students from New York State making observations about the process we are going through. We will create monikers for ourselves now in case we post individually later. We have come up with the names of famous men you might recognize.

1. Liberace - This person loves glitter. Ke$ha ain’t got nothing on Liberace. So therefore, this person’s moniker will be Liberace.

2. Harry Houdini - The reason for this moniker is that this person is an expert at getting themselves in and out of horribly tricky and difficult situations. Mostly, getting into those situations, but hey!

Until next time.