COME HELL OR HABEAS CORPUS

Commandment 5: Thou Shalt Find All Of The Hidden Bathrooms In Order To Poop In Peace

 

I have no problem with discussing poop. If you have any issue with doing so, get the fuck out of here and don’t read this post, please. Also, do yourself a favor and grow up. This is a very human thing to do. Anyways, I preface this post with the notion that finding the most secluded location to go in order to go to the bathroom is pretty important. I certainly don’t want an audience and neither do you! Well, if you do, that’s fine too, but you have other issues that need to be addressed between you and your physician. But, the general public probably would prefer to go to the bathroom in peace.

 

This is one of the most important things to learn during your first semester of law school. I cannot even begin to express how this will come in handy one day when you are planning to spend the entire day in the library. Do you like Chinese food/pizza/any meat or dairy product/lettuce? Do you like those things? Well, then shortly after you eat them, you’re going to have to poop. Bottom Line. You simply must think outside of the box. Look for the weird bathrooms. You know the faculty bathroom upstairs where nobody goes? Well, BOOM. That is where you’re going to have to check when that rumble begins in your stomach. Because going to the bathroom is a personal thing, certain places that you will find only have one toilet and a bathroom with a lock; well, now you’ve just found fucking gold. Treasure this and hold onto it. Unfortunately, in law school, there are mostly public bathrooms so you have to find the perfect bathroom and tell nobody else the gem that you have just stumbled on. Trust me, finding the hidden bathrooms will save you lots of trouble. Make sure these toilets flush properly before extended use.

 

Student 1: I’m going to the bathroom

Student 2: Oh I have to go also; I’ll come with you.

Student 1: No fucking way, bro.

This conversation is likely to happen a lot if you have found the perfect bathroom. Keep that shit under lock and key; other people need to find these for themselves, and if they can’t, that is why your special bathroom is still special.

 

Bottom line, a lot of people don’t like talking about this subject because their own bodies gross them out. Well, fuck you and get over it.  This shit happens, no pun intended. The important thing to know is that you have to find a bathroom in your law school that is quiet, hidden, and contains a functioning toilet. It is preferable that people will not be cognizant of when you enter and exit this phantom bathroom. If all else fails, go to Starbucks; they have bathrooms for one. And you can blame anything on whoever went to the bathroom before you did to the next person waiting to enter. Trust me.

 

If this post made you uncomfortable, then I’m deeply apologetic that you are uneasy going to the bathroom. Take a laxative or some miralax. Any standard stool softener will do, but please, get the fuck over yourself and take a shit that you can be proud of.

 

Liberace OUT.